Ayub and I met on a dating app, but we have been in a relationship for almost two years now. He cares a lot for me and despite having had a broken marriage, he has a lot of love to give. I have never been married before and so I really look forward to tying the knot with him. We have discussed marriage, but there’s one hurdle that we need to overcome. Ayub has two children from his last marriage and they don’t want to accept me as their mother.
About five years ago, Ayub’s ex-wife left him and the kids to follow her dreams. Since then he has been single-handedly raising both the boys. He says it has been challenging but has also given him the opportunity to be a great parent. His sons love him a lot and want to stay with him forever, but they are not comfortable about him marrying me and living with them.
Ayub has tried making the kids mingle with me many times by planning trips, dinners, picnics and what not, but they refuse to converse with me. This one time his younger one started crying for his mother and made a huge scene. And even though all of this is very discouraging for me, I know that they are children and I am an adult and that I should handle the situation more maturely.
My parents are supportive of my relationship with Ayub but they also feel that the kids might never accept me as their mother and they worry for my well being. But this one time, I was discussing my situation with a colleague and she said something that stayed with me. ‘Why do you have to be their mom? You can be their father’s wife and when needed, their friend and guardian. I don’t think it’s fair on you to suddenly have to be a mother to kids who don’t identify you as their family.’
My colleague's words made a lot of sense to me. Women often lose their self-respect and identity in order to become one with the husband’s family. We want to be a daughter to our in-laws, a sister to their siblings, and in my case a mom to his children that I did not have in the first place. And honestly, none of that is required. We can be daughters to our parents and daughter-in-laws to our partner’s parents - that just keeps things simple.
So I decided to forever be Ayub’s children’s caregiver and guardian, and build my relationship more as a friend than a parent. Now when they don’t respond to me, I don’t feel bad, I just feel like they must be in a certain mood. Their behavior is about them and not me. My nonchalance and lack of desperation to be their mother is making them curious about me and so I have seen a lot of change in how they now try to get my attention by showing me their new toys or something new that they learnt in karate class.
Ayub and I are getting married in November this year and the kids seem to be very excited about the event. I realize now that they don’t hate me as their father’s partner, they just cannot think of replacing their mother - and that’s absolutely okay!
