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Praveen is a doting husband. He is extremely loyal and very caring. But there’s a problem, he is a compulsive liar. I did not understand this at the beginning of our relationship and would find his stories really funny. Once we got married, however, I found out from his friends, etc that the stories he used to tell me were either someone else’s or totally made up.
This characteristic of his came as quite a shocker to me. Who was this man? He would lie about the strangest of things like if he was speaking to a friend and I would ask him who was on the call, he’d say his mother. Or if he wouldn’t feel like attending a party, he’d say I am unwell. I used to find his lying supremely annoying. He used to lie without a reason.
Fed up of his fabricated reality, I reached out to his father. I told him everything and asked him if there was a history that they were aware of. It turned out that Pradeep was an extremely bullied child and when he was in school, he wanted to really impress the kids who made fun of him. So in order to look cool, he started making up stories.
He would hear tales from his uncle and go and narrate them to his classmates as his own experiences. `We found out about it when his teacher called me up asking me why I was making Praveen do all the work at home and focusing only on my younger child. I did not have a younger child, Praveen is our only son.’ His father told me.
After my conversation with Praveen’s dad, I realized that my husband would use the people he is closest to as his shields during confrontational situations. Like he’d lie that he’s speaking to his mom, or say that I’m unwell, etc. There was a pattern in his lies. So instead of giving up on him, I tried speaking to him about it. It’s not like he and I did not have conversations without him lying - but the slightest change in my tone that could make him feel bullied would make him lie.
After the display of immense love and understanding from my side, Praveen accepted that he did makeup stuff when he felt threatened. He was so sensitive towards me that if he spent a long time chatting with his friend on the phone, he would assume that I must be upset about him not spending time with me instead, and therefore to avoid that assumed conflict, he would lie.
I realized that I had to be extremely gentle and understanding toward my husband in order to get him to trust me. I wanted to be the one he can be 100% true to. So I stayed very calm with him and had to be very patient so that he would feel safe to open up with me. It’s been over a year now and there is a huge difference in our relationship. He still lies about things from time to time, but now he has started coming around and confessing the moments when he lied. I am really hoping that my love and understanding will help him feel more confident about his reality with time.
