When we hear the word marriage in an Indian setup, our brain is wired to think of some conventional customs like a man and a woman living together monogamously in one house, vidaai ceremony, a male priest, stereotyped gender roles, unrealistic expectations from the girl, to name a few. These are among the few reasons why the idea of marriage seems regressive to a lot of people. However, if you find a partner who is understanding, open to new ways of thinking and supportive, marriage can be a beautiful experience. This story is about one such couple who looks at marriage as an equal partnership where there is space to be their authentic selves. Shruti is 28 and a civil services aspirant while Gaurav is 30 and works in the developmental sector. They got married in 2022 and currently live in Delhi.
Pehli mulakat aur fir milon ki duri ……
How did you both meet? I asked Gaurav and Shruti with curiosity. Shruti answered, “I met him 4 years ago when I was doing an internship at Niti Aayog. He was one of the supervisors there and on my first day, he came to greet me and introduced himself. He appeared very confident and I, on the other hand, have always considered myself to be an underconfident person. In that meeting, the thought of anything happening between us did not cross my mind even for a second. And then after four months, we had our official first date.”
When I asked Gaurav to describe his first meeting with Shruti, he says, “talking to Shruti was refreshing, she brought a different perspective with herself which attracted me. I knew at that moment that I had to keep talking to this person and this is exactly what I did. And 4 years later, here we are stronger than ever.”
Shruti and Gaurav were in a long-distance relationship for 3 years before they got married. Talking about their experience of being in a long-distance relationship, they both said, “A lot of people complain about the distance but for us, it worked very well. It provided us with a personal space for our individual growth and enough time to work on personal goals. So instead of looking at it as an obstacle, we focused on the positive aspects of it.”
Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It gave us an opportunity to try harder to keep the romance alive with frequent communication and deeper discussions about things like love, trust, and future plans.
Speaking about what is that one thing that helped them with the distance Gaurav says, “We both were staying in different cities and had our own life. And it is very normal to feel ignored in such a situation as we could not always be available for our partner. What helped us deal with the distance in a healthy manner was communication. And it wasn’t like we were talking 24/7 but we made sure the other person felt acknowledged. Like in the evening if we had plans of talking on the call but a meeting came up, in that situation, I would drop Shruti a text informing about the same. It shouldn’t be like this: your partner is not responding to the calls or texts the whole day, and then around midnight your partner is calling you to say they have been busy and that’s why they couldn’t respond, which I have seen happen with a few couple friends. This causes problems in any relationship.”
Shruti nods her head in agreement and further adds, “This distance made us appreciate whatever time we spent together.”
The journey to marriage…
How did you arrive at this decision of marriage when you were still figuring out your career? I asked Shruti. To this, she shares, “Reaching this decision was not easy as I am still preparing for civil services. And I wanted to have a settled career before I get married. There were other concerns as well like managing my studies post-marriage with other responsibilities and will my partner feel comfortable supporting me financially till the time I had a job. So Gaurav and I talked beforehand about all these concerns with each other and with Gaurav's side of the family. Gaurav made this decision easy for me; he had no issue supporting me financially till the time I settle down in my career. I feel very happy that I made this decision to marry because it has been so lovely. So in my opinion, if your partner is okay with supporting you with your career, there is no harm in getting married first and then building a career.”
Start of a new chapter….
Gaurav and Shruti got married in 2022 in a way that made sense to them. They followed rituals that reflected their beliefs as a couple. They shared with me a few things that they did differently in their wedding, “We had a female priest to perform the rituals; there was no vidaai ceremony as this ritual signified a separation of the girl from her side of the family and we didn’t want that. We look at marriage in a way where we are connecting two families and each one of us becomes a part of the other’s family. And to add here, we are not against Indian traditions; we did the rituals which made meaning for us.”
Shruti looks at Gaurav and says, “I made sure my side of the family was treating Gaurav in a manner they would treat their son which meant no special treatment and no formality just because he was the groom. I strongly believe in gender equality. So I wanted a partner who feels the same as I do. And Gaurav has always been this pillar of strength for me; he never forced me to do anything which I was against. And he believes in these values.” Opposites attract but having similar core values is necessary in the long run for a relationship.
It is usually expected from a married woman that she has to celebrate the festivals at her husband’s house, with her in-laws. However, we found it problematic and decided to ditch this system. Gaurav tells me, “This year I celebrated Diwali at Shruti’s house with her family and it was a beautiful experience. And we both decided to come up with our ritual- we would celebrate some functions with my family and some with her side of the family. This setup would not frustrate anyone of us in the long run and it adds a sense of liberty to our marriage.”
Marriage would not become stressful if both partners do the things that make sense to them as a couple. One doesn’t have to follow strict rules or behave in ways others expect from them in order for a marriage to work; it works when both partners are respectful and considerate towards each other. And there is no pressure to change your real self. Having faith in your relationship, communicating effectively about one’s needs, and accepting your partner’s beliefs, values and sense of identity are the ingredients of a long-lasting marriage.
If you want to share your inspiring story with other couples, do drop us an email at hello@thebaelyapp.com
