Getting married at an age when you are confused about your career and struggling to make a living, cannot be an easy journey. But having a partner who is supportive and loving makes it a beautiful experience. This story is of Sheeba and Murali who got married when they were 21 years old and young in love; their companionship became the strength they needed to grow in life.
Sheeba currently works in the hospitality sector while Murali is involved in the food packaging business. They both are 47 years old and currently reside in Noida. They completed 25 years of marriage in November 2022. When I heard about the duration they have been married, it immediately made me think, “what is the secret behind this long and happy marriage?” So, automatically, this became the first question I asked during the interview. Murali, sensing my curiosity, says, “There is no magic mantra to a long-happy marriage; we both had our share of ups and down in this relationship but what worked for us is to accept each other and to understand that being a couple does not necessarily mean that we both have to be similar. What is more important is being real and open with each other. This is our biggest strength at this point.”
“How would you describe your relationship with each other?” I asked Sheeba. She took a moment to reflect and began to tell their story. She says, “Well, it is not a typical husband-wife relationship that we share. I am an alpha and impulsive person. He on the other side is a very quiet and consistent person. That's our chemistry. Initially, we had issues adjusting but soon we accepted each other. To give you an example Murali does not like driving a car but he is very comfortable that I am driving and he is sitting next to me. He does not have that male ego that his wife is driving and he is not. And I respect him for these things. He never stopped me on the way I dress or color my hair. I am totally free to do whatever I feel like. We give each other the space and understand each other’s nature and don't fight to change it.”
No two individuals are alike. And expecting that one’s partner would be similar to us in every way would be unfair. It puts pressure on the relationship which might lead to conflicts in the long-run. It is important that both partners feel free and unconfined in a relationship for it to nurture.
Talking about the challenges they faced during the early years of marriage, Murali mentions, “We were not in a good financial condition back then. We started focusing on our careers and Sheeba pursued higher education. I changed my job and enhanced my professional skills whereas Sheeba became a more career-oriented woman. But in this process, we both somewhere lost each other as a couple. We got entangled in the complexities of life and work. You know what, our understanding of the concept of marriage was very raw. I think we were not mature enough. We became parents at the age of 25. That was an additional responsibility. As we both were very young and had to manage work, home, and a kid. And managing everything together and keeping the marriage alive was challenging. I am actually proud of ourselves that we made it work for this long. What worked for us is that we chose to support each other’s careers and ambitions. We did not try to rule each other.”
Sheeba, rewinding the past, took a second to respond to this. She says, “We are in a good space in life right now and in times of distress, we realized that our relationship is not as weak as it may seem. The maximum credit goes to Murali. He never gave up on me or the relationship. He kept his calm and gave me my space. He was not social but he changed a lot. He is very much dedicated to the family and he has always been there for me and my kids and honestly I value this a lot. And this made things easy for me. It gave me the opportunity to completely focus on my career.
“Since you two have different personalities, how did you make it work as a couple?” I asked both of them.
Sheeba says, “I am an extrovert whereas Murali is a little shy. And in the initial years of our marriage this became a matter of conflict between us. He could not adjust to these things and we had disagreements. Soon it reached a level where we felt that we are incompatible and we became more indifferent to each other. Career, kids, and other stuff were going on as it is. I felt lonely in spite of having a busy life. Murali on the other hand was also going through the same. I also thought of parting ways as it was painful to go through this. By then our second daughter was also born. I thought having her would bring us together. But that was temporary. Having another child after 10 years was again a challenge for us. The focus changed from us to the children. We were just going on with life. I am going to share a strategy here that worked for us- we changed our focus from the things that were not going well to the things that were working out for us. We got possession of our home and soon all our attention shifted to that home. I feel, sometimes, having a common goal and focusing all the energy on the positive things helps. You know how as humans we have a tendency to just look for negative things in a relationship; but in that situation finding a goal that you both are passionate about, helps resolve the differences and make one realize that all the things that we were fighting about were unnecessary. Building the home together, and getting the set up done brought us together. So I would say look for those things that connect you together.
Murali adds to this says, “Having disagreements and fights in a relationship is pretty normal and that is how you adjust and understand each other’s likes and dislikes. What I wish to convey here is that we are not a perfect couple but we are real with each other and in this relationship. We fight like crazy but at the same time we dont sit and sulk, rather express our feelings clearly.”
Acceptance, valuing your partner’s differences, being flexible, tolerant, and open-minded are a few ingredients of a healthy relationship. Acceptance doesn’t mean always agreeing with your partner – it’s OK to agree to disagree. But communication is a must in every situation.
At present, Murali and Sheeba have two daughters and two dogs. One is 23 years old and the other one is 12 years old respectively. The whole family is very fond of their dogs and this also keeps their family together.
