"Ishita, are you all right?", Rahul had been knocking on the bathroom door for twenty minutes at midnight. I had been inside for an hour and the only thing I did was sob.
It was the first anniversary of our union. This exotic anniversary at a resort was arranged by Rahul for us. Except for my mood swings, which had been getting worse lately, everything was going as planned.
I'm Ishita, a 26-year-old woman with a wonderful professional career and a wonderful supporting spouse in Rahul. What might be the source of my irritation? Or am I overthinking this? It has to do with my identity. I have a bisexual attraction that is equal to both sexes. My self-doubt about who I am began to paralyze me in my adolescence when I realized I had a crush on my best friend Shraddha. The companionship of my boyfriend, Rahul, whom I liked just as much, was, nonetheless, equally enjoyable. Since our parents were friends of the family, everyone was aware of our relationship at the time.
Then I traveled abroad to pursue my education, where I later ran upon Alen. We both explored our relationship and my identity while she simply made my life more enjoyable. I did miss Rahul during that period; after all, we had our moments together. He surprised me with a visit on my birthday, and we had a great time. He was familiar with Alen, but only as my roommate. Contrarily, Alen was aware of Rahul.
It wasn't long before our parents began pressuring us to marry. Alen found out about it and wanted me to reveal my identity as well as our relationship to everyone. But I lacked the courage to do so. I was also concerned about how our families would react to this. Although they were modernized culturally, they had deeply rooted orthodox beliefs. The basic truth was that the fault was mine; in order to conceal my true identity, I had messed up the rest. And my own guilt was killing me. The separation from Alen traumatized me to the point where I considered suicide several times after marriage, but my love for Rahul kept me from doing so.
But today I decided to end this agony.
"Rahul, I am bisexual, Alen was not my roommate, she was my partner," I said as I exited the bathroom. I can't take this claustrophobic situation any longer. I love you both equally and will completely understand if you decide to end this marriage. "I apologize for being such a nerd."
He approached me with open arms. He hugged me and we stood silent for a long time. "What do you think, Golu, if you hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known?" he finally said. I realized it back then when I sensed Alen's possessiveness towards you. I sensed that it was more than just friendship. But I've always expected you to tell the truth. My attempting to interact with you would have been more like an interrogation, leaving you feeling guilty. So now that you've revealed your identity, you're feeling a lot better. But now that I think about it, having two women in my life wouldn't be so bad." As he said this, I looked into his eyes and we both burst out laughing.
Rahul mumbled, "Your sexuality isn't your choice; it's what we don't have a handle on,". The connection that both of us have to one another is what we can hold onto. That connection of friendship, love, and most essential, faith. Let's keep them whole and strengthen them. We stopped looking back after that.
Life has improved after nearly a year of my mental conflict. With less anxiety, the nightmares have subsided. Rahul gets me and doesn't wonder if I'm with a special friend with whom I can connect. My being bisexual hasn't diminished our love; rather, it has strengthened our bond of faith and friendship, and we've reached a point where we both understand each other equally. We talk a lot about our feelings and concerns. In a nutshell, these communications have increased clarity. He is with me when I am having a love-hate relationship with my femininity. He is aware of my patterns. We're still learning about it, and we've even started taking counseling sessions about it. Rahul began learning more about people's sexual identities, and our discussions have progressed to the point where we no longer understand people based on their relationship status, but rather as individuals. After that, we finally told a few close friends, and instead of passing judgment, they understood us. We've started talking about their insecurities about their individualism and relationships. So, it appears that we all, in some way, need to explore our own sexuality, and there is a great need for understanding in this regard. The most important takeaway message I've learned and emphasized during this phase is the importance of communication compatibility with your partner in removing the tension created by the rest of society around you, based on one's sexual identity. Finally, a bond of compassion will be formed between you both, so it is critical that you fully comprehend each other.
