Being a therapist, one of the most powerful moments in a session is when the client is able to freely share what’s on their mind. Especially in couples therapy, when partners are able to share their desires and needs with each other, it is indeed a moment of liberation. It is through this openness that partners' commitment, efforts and love can grow.
So how does this seemingly simple conversation prove to be so tricky in our daily lives?
We all have needs and wants in our relationships. Expressing them is a whole other feat. We face many blocks in doing so; fearing we will be ridiculed, doubts whether our partner can fulfil these needs and perhaps the trickiest one to navigate - are our needs worth asking for?
We often feel the pressure to be sure and clear, to know exactly what we want and why in order to express them. While sometimes we may neglect our feelings and label them as not important, quite often we are so overwhelmed with these emotions that we may feel incapable of bringing them up.
Often, we don't share to avoid being perceived as "needy". However, everyone has romantic needs — so why should "neediness" be a negative thing? It takes a lot of courage to sit down with your partner and have an open, honest discussion about something within your relationship that you feel needs to change, whether that's the division of chores or how often you have sex. Having the conversation in the first place is a sign that you love and care about your partner and your relationship
These challenges create blocks in open communication, a key to any thriving relationship. When both partners find it difficult to share freely, that is when the crutch of guesswork comes into play.
Are you often left wondering what your partner is really thinking? Their needs, expectations and even how they feel towards you? What would make them happy and what could have upset them?
Sitting with these questions is not only tiring but also never-ending. When a couple is not able to share openly with each other, one partner is left with unanswered questions and anxiety while the other with unfulfilled needs. Instead of asking these questions directly, one is stuck alone in guessing while the other is alone in their unhappiness.
In a relationship, we might try our best to fulfil our partner's needs but we can't undertake this process alone. The emotional and mental toll of guesswork can create distance, dissatisfaction and conflict in a relationship.
Communication is key. We've all heard this before but it never ceases to be difficult in action. It is after all a skill that we need to work on constantly and not a one-time act. Moreover, when it comes to open communication about our emotions and needs - it requires vulnerability and trust, making it even more challenging. It requires feeling safe in your relationship and having trust that your partner will hear and receive you without judgement.
Building open, clear and safe channels of communication in your relationship not only removes the stress and distance of guesswork, they also bring in fulfilment, empathy and a real chance at repair and growth.
On the contrary, when we are engaging in guesswork in our relationship, we are building unrealistic expectations that we should be understanding each other without having to say a word which adds pressure to the relationship.
No matter how well you know your partner, you can't read their mind.
While it's not an easy road, it's also an opportunity to share something about ourselves with our partners so that they can understand us better, and be curious so that we can learn something about them too.
Learning is loving, after all.
Before you begin to bring up your needs with your partner, recognize that you're worthy of having your needs met and that you deserve to feel totally fulfilled in your relationship. When you are in a healthy relationship, your partner will be excited to meet your needs, not angry that you have expressed them.
Also figuring out our needs in a relationship is a constant process, why do it alone? You and your partner are the best team to work towards a fulfilling relationship. Lean on each other and remove the weeds of guesswork from the garden of your relationship.
The first step is self-reflection. Before you speak with your partner, spend some time reflecting about your relationship to pinpoint what exactly it might benefit from. You could go back to the drawing board and start with a big question; “If I could have anything I wanted in my relationship what would that look like and how would that feel?”. Or you can start small and ask, "What could have gone better in our relationship in the last week?". No matter where you start, the intention is to explore, learn and embrace your desires together. You could both take turns answering this question, take your time and perhaps set some time aside to focus completely on these reflections.
The way we express our needs also impacts this conversation. Saying something like, “Whatever it is that ‘I’ need, ‘we’ both can work towards it together.” Since you are taking on this conversation together, it is good to use ‘we’. ‘We’ poses an invitation to your partner to participate willingly and mutually in the meeting of your needs.
As you are navigating this conversation, be open to sharing your emotional experience as well e.g how you feel, what these needs mean to you and your willingness to work through it together helps your partner understand your experience.
Through this, you and your partner can come to a mutual understanding and explore the ways you can build it together. Remember that flexibility can go a long way in building a relationship that fulfils your needs as long as you both are open and committed to the process. You can experiment with different shifts and see what fits your needs. So, invite your partner to discuss what works for both of you regarding the need and how it should be met.
Just know that as long as you realise that you are in the process of discovering your needs, and lovingly clue your partner into what you need and invite them to show love in the ways you desire rather than demanding it, things can work out beautifully.
