Jenny has been worried about Mehul spending more than he could perhaps afford to but finds it hard to bring it up with him. Each time he splurges on something, she is reminded of her worries. But she fears how he might react when she brings up the subject.
When you think of difficult conversations with your partner, what comes to your mind? Do you break out in a sweat, unsure and uneasy?
In any relationship, we can have a difference in opinion or conflict that needs to be addressed from time to time. But because conflict is such an unpleasant emotional state, most of us are programmed to avoid it. And since no one likes to have these difficult conversations, we often end up compromising the communication in our relationship.
Coming back to Jenny and Mehul, it seems that Jenny has finally initiated a discussion on how they manage their finances. Let's take a look at how their conversation went.
What we see here in their conversation is how when Jenny brought up the sensitive issue, Mehul wasn't prepared to have that discussion and ended up pushing her away.
This is stonewalling. It is when one becomes emotionally distant or completely withdraws from the conversation. This might look like one has stopped responding, giving you the silent treatment, avoiding eye contact. In the dialogue we see Mehul stonewalling Jenny by avoiding eye contact, not answering her and eventually leaving the room to avoid the conversation.
Let's break down why such behaviour might happen during these tough conversations. Usually, by turning away from our partners and avoiding the conversation, we end up avoiding a fight which is why these behaviours act as a self-protection strategy. Stonewalling can provide protection against being flooded.
Simply put, flooding is being overwhelmed by emotion. Especially when faced with criticism or contempt or even defensiveness from your partner. Imagine you're hit by a tsunami of emotions and it is so sudden and powerful that it leaves you in a state of shock - unable to move or respond. overpowering that it leaves you stunned.
You feel so defenceless and unprepared against what your partner has brought up that you learn to do anything to avoid the conversation. The more often you feel overwhelmed by the discussion, the more the feelings of guilt and shame build up for you. And as a result, you might even look for signals that your partner is about to bring the topic up again. These signals act like a warning sign against the tsunami of emotions and makes you want to skip town as soon as you can. So all you can think about is protecting yourself from the emotional turbulence the conversation causes. And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship and therefore your partner.
While it serves as a self preservation tactic for one partner, what does it do to the relationship?
As a therapist, I have often wondered about the push and pull dynamic in relationships when discussing sensitive issues. One partner could be pushing to discuss it and solve it while one could find themselves avoiding it, afraid of how the conversation could turn into conflict. What do you think happens to the relationship in this push & pull?
While avoiding the conversation at the moment helps us avoid the conflict, in reality, it only ends up delaying the conflict at best. Avoidance only helps brush these tough subjects under the carpet. Over time, avoiding these tough conversations creates wear and tear on the relationship and might result in bigger conflicts. So in a way, we end up adding much more stress in the long term. Not only that, each time we are stonewalling the conversation we are also pushing our partner away - their emotions and needs. This further leads to feelings of resentment and frustration for both. So while the wall may be protecting one partner momentarily, it keeps the other away on the other side - creating a block between the two.
Now it is understandable that one finds it difficult to have tough conversations, they're not meant to be easy. It can be frustrating and isolating for both as they struggle to connect through the wall.
Stonewalling as a defence against tough conversations is not always a conscious choice for people. It's normal to feel a range of emotions when faced with this situation, including sadness, anger, and confusion. But understanding our behaviour when faced with a difficult conversation and working on improving it is a choice we can make. So let us see how we can navigate this difficult situation in our relationships.
Having difficult conversations with a partner can be challenging, especially when emotions run high. So what can you do when everything in you wants to run away from the conversation? Slow down, breathe and let your partner know what's going on. Just sharing that you need 10 minutes to yourself or asking if you can talk at a later time can be a simple yet powerful way to acknowledge your partner's distress and your own uneasiness. It gives you both time to come back to the conversation when you're ready without invalidating or neglecting your partner's distress.
Here's a look at what Jenny & Mehul's conversation could look like as they start breaking down the wall -
Remember, having difficult conversations is a normal part of any relationship. It's important to approach these conversations with empathy, respect, and a willingness to listen and understand your partner's perspective. With practice and patience, you can learn to communicate more effectively and build a stronger, healthier relationship with your partner.
