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"I guess it's not working, Ram," Rajni said over the phone, "we aren't able to cope with the pressure of being the perfect couple race."
I listened in silence, thinking that she was probably right and that it wasn't working after only three months of marriage and barely more than ten days together. As she continued to speak on the phone, my thoughts returned to when and how we had met.
I am Balram, a 26-year-old Government employee with a Defense background in my area.I was in my hometown during Covid-19 lockdown. Everyone expected me to marry because I was from a traditional family of Haryana with orthodox thought patterns.
My crisis was that I was caught between traditional and modern ideas, and I did not agree with the arranged marriage arrangement. So I signed up for one of the numerous available online dating sites. On one hand, there was a lockdown, and on the other, my family's pressure to get married [specifically, "Lardkhi se mil le (Just meet the girl)" pressure] irritated me. At the time, this dating site served as an escape.
I began conversing with the girls over there at random. And one day when I logged in, I came across an intriguing account. Her professional background piqued my interest. She was also from the defense and worked in the Southern part of the country. The profile initially appeared to be a forgery to me, but as we began talking, Rajni and I clicked well. Despite coming from a different family and having a much more modernized thought process, she seemed to understand my feelings toward my family quite well.
Almost after 6 months of virtual dating, we finally decided to meet in person.What better place to be in the middle than Delhi? She travelled for a day whereas I had to travel nearly 7 hours from my village.
“Finally we meet”, were our words. It seemed like the entire world had gone virtual at that time, and meeting in person would be one of the rarest things ever. But we did meet, and time passed as if we had known each other forever.
Nearly a year after dating we decided to get married. Difference in language and culture did not appear to be a concern for us, but the proximity became a challenge. Rajni had to leave for her posting in the coastal areas on the 10th day after marriage, and I went to the outskirts of my state. This distance wasn't working for me from the very beginning. Coming from an orthodox family, I had never seen the ladies at my house work after marriage. But I also wanted to honour Rajni's contribution.
Rajni was also stressed about returning to work so soon after marriage but she didn't want to leave her job either. I also couldn't have accepted her decision to quit the job because I knew how important her ambitions were. However, we began fighting over the calls on a daily basis.
I was floating in my thoughts when Rajni called and abruptly brought me back to reality.
"Ram, why do we need to imitate the rest to be that perfect couple when we can be ourselves??" she added. I concurred that she had a good argument.
We agreed to alternately visit each other during our paid vacations, at least once every few months. To be completely honest, this is my second visit to her after three months, and I believe it has partially resolved the issue. We have continued to communicate with one another and make an effort to support one another, if not physically, then at least virtually, even in the absence of visits.
By the end of April next year, Rajni will be transferred to a location closer to mine and we hopefully will be able to spend more time together than we do now. That makes me happy, and it also makes us happier that we were able to find a middle ground solution to a problem that seemed to be stronger than our bond at one point.I, like Rajni, believe that "falling in love is easier, but staying together is harder, especially when we commit to being there for each other in every aspect of their lives."
In our pursuit of perfection, we forget that we are all imperfect mazes, and one completes the other. So instead of chasing perfection, why not embrace our flawed selves? Although it took us a short while to realize it, communication is the solution to all issues. If we expect that our partner is going to understand our silence, then it’s our biggest fault. Matter of fact that everyone has a unique history, it is important for us to communicate effectively. In our case, when we returned to our professional lives shortly after getting married, we began stressing about the issue of being apart, which led to misunderstandings. We were anticipating who would give up first in order to place the blame on the other. But once we figured out a workable solution, everything improved. In my opinion, Rajni deserves all the credit for speaking up about what she thought, which led to the conclusion that we had found a solution to our dilemma.To end on a lighter note, although the dating app where we met has closed, we hope that our relationship is just getting started.
