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Arranged marriages can get tricky. You meet someone for the first time, assess them based on superficial values and agree to spend the rest of your life with them. For those of you who think it’s like a Tinder date set up by parents - that’s not true. The Tinder date is a personal choice. You download the app, swipe right on who you like and choose to meet them at your own will, perhaps even have sex with them and decide whether you want to meet them again. Arranged marriage is not even close. They can be like sexless Bollywood films, of which the directors are your parents - except that it is not a film, it’s real life. So how the fu*% do you decide whether a person is right or wrong for you? Here’s a guide based on my personal experience.
Just like love marriages or any other relationship - human dynamics and its ever-changeability cannot be predicted. You can know someone for years, and it can still not work out with them. The whole idea is for you to be right for that person. If both the people in a relationship try their best to be right for the other one, then a relationship is bound to work out.
You’re marrying someone you barely know, so be sure to be 100% authentic from the first time you meet them. Tell them your dreams, hopes, expectations, mental health, political views. Discuss finances, children, values. Hiding information in order to make an arranged set-up work can lead to unhappiness and discontentment later on. So communicate everything that matters to you.
You’ve not known this family since you were a kid and you don’t know how they function. They might be your type, or they might not - but as cliche as it may sound, when you marry a person, you marry a family. So keep an open mind and make adjustments wherever you can. This applies to both the partners. Finding a balance is what you should aim for.
This is very important. You need to understand your physical intimacy before getting into a lifetime commitment. As underrated as it may be in the world of ‘arrangements’, your sex-life can make or break your relationship. Therefore it is very important for you both to be sure that you have good chemistry in bed, well ahead of D-Day.
Most couples consider taking therapy when their marriage hits rock-bottom. But the idea of therapy is to ensure that never happens. It’s a preventive measure, like wearing a mask so that you don’t get COVID. My husband and I were the first in our families to opt for couple therapy during our courtship. People thought we were crazy. But it really helped build emotional intimacy and by the time we got married, it felt like a love marriage, perhaps even better.
I was blessed to find a like-minded and supportive partner but we found this out about each other only by communicating well. If you’re meeting people to get married, make sure you don’t ‘settle’ for someone based on the biodata they present to you. Observe their temprament, assess their values and then make this life-decision.
