The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1992 book by Gary Chapman. The book has been a rage for over two decades. Still, we find it tough, either not being able to express correctly or to grasp the love language of the partner in the right manner. So this week we have Rushabh Turakhia, Founder of Your Turn Now who as a Motivational Speaker, has been delivering lectures on the topic for many years now.. So here we have Baely’s Consulting Editor, Mahima Sharma in a deep conversation with Rushabh this week.
MS: What is a love language?
RT: Initially, I used to think that Love itself is a language. Love is like a smile that can be understood without using any language. A language with no alphabet but more gestures, more actions, a language full of feelings that connects two hearts, a language of expression, something that’s same for everyone. And when I read - Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I realized it is a language that is different for every individual depending on their personality and thought process.
Love language refers to the ways individuals express and receive love and affection.
Everyone speaks their own love language which could be more than one! For instance for some their love language is holding hands, for others it is getting gifts .. and so on and so forth.
MS: What are the different types of love languages?
RT: With my increasing understanding of human psychology, love and related research, and real-life experiences, I realized the importance of various languages of Love we humans understand and perceive differently. There are five languages that help a couple understand each other better and strike a warmer, long-lasting bond.
People might speak more than one love language but usually have one dominant love language, the one that matters to them the most. What do you think your love language is?
MS: Why is it important to know your partner's love language?
RT: Each of us is a different personality with unique traits and abilities. We all think and perceive things differently. In a relationship, we must understand what our partner thinks and perceives and what Love is according to him /her, as sometimes it's misunderstood or taken for granted. The language of Love is simple, but the fun is knowing the language and speaking in theirs or trying to strike a balance.
In a nutshell, for any relationship to be maintained with love, you need to understand each other’s love language to be able to bond better. A lady might want her husband to shower her with gifts because her love language is “Love in Gifting”, but the husband’s love language is helping her out in the kitchen or with home chores (“Love in action”). Two different love languages; if one doesn’t strike a balance, then the hearts may drift apart due to a lack of emotional connection. Understanding your partner’s love language and express in a way that he/she desires is important. For instance, in this case, you can leave a small gift for her once in a while, in his pocket in her drawer while helping her clean the home, Surprise factor, plus matching what she loves, will be a game changer.
MS: What are the common mistakes partners make when it comes to love language?
RT: The most common mistake is that both partners feel they know each other's love language. But rather than striking a balance, they try to impose their own love language on the other. See, one needs to understand that a love language is a born instinct; one might adopt the other’s love language with time, but cannot do away with their own love language. So, strike a balance as shared in the above answer.
I will share another example, say the wife’s love language is ACTION- she loves to make a special breakfast for the husband. But she hurts him by saying, “Arey, you are never ready and on time for hot and peppy meals!” Now…now, imagine if the husband’s love language is using caring words, how hurt he would be?! If mistakenly you have said the wrong words and you see the husband’s facial expression change for worse, immediately apologize! This is where you have struck a balance with his love language!
MS: How to find out your partner's love language?
RT: Communicate. Simple regular communication is the key, Mahima. Simply ask your partner about his/her likes and dislikes. Share yours. Extend this sharing to day-to-day life. Take his/her opinions, and share yours. This is the most ideal way to find out each other’s love language, besides also noticing things they care about. For instance, if you love to hold hands with your partner and that’s your love language, do that whenever you can. See her reaction, it may light up her eyes, or it may not. But if she doesn’t move away her hand, she has accepted your love language. On the other hand, if she says she wants you on time in bed to watch a movie together and that too without kids, she is communicating that she wants your undivided attention. That’s her love language. And only time and time-to-time communication will help one know each other better.
MS: What can you do when your partner doesn't do things as per your love language?
RT: Communicate the same to your partner in a way that he/she understands, and doesn’t feel offended. For instance, when my friend finishes all the household/outdoor chores given by his wife (Love in Action), she might appreciate him for the same (Love in Words). But what if she doesn’t like him doing it the way he does? Then, he has to take her opinion. Plus she also has to be communicative in a way that he doesn’t get hurt, which means showing him how she likes things to be done, rather than nagging him. After all, she would expect the same, if she is handling some other work for him, right?
Any relationship is of give and take, and for it to survive long term, one needs to make adjustments around each other’s language of love and day-to-day affairs. You cannot draw one out of the other, life and love go hand in hand and so do daily chores, be it home or for the family. Learn each other’s love language via regular communication. Otherwise, it may take years to know each other or say discover each other’s love language. That is why I always stress regular communication. If you can do it with your boss to save your job, why can't you do the same with your partner/wife to save the LOVE?! It is as simple as that.
MS: Rushabh can you share some examples from your life, where you have seen couples benefit from making changes based on their partner’s love language?
Let me give you an example of another couple - a good friend. They both belonged to different religions and cultures. The husband's love language is Love in Action, he wanted his working wife to speak to his side of the family, and he wanted her to be around during family functions and basic small things. When I talked to the wife, and we discovered the husband's love language, we realized the wife didn't communicate in his love language because she didn't know what’s love language! Once we discussed the matter as friends, she made a conscious effort to communicate with her in-laws regularly, be a part of gatherings more often, and so on and so forth. So the root is the same - communicate. Show what you like, and ask what she/he likes. And strike a balance around the same.
About Rushabh Turakhia
He is the founder of Your Turn Now which is a global kindness movement (through which he has reached out to millions across 48 countries). In recent years, Rushabh has been conferred with the REX Karmaveer Chakra Award and Global Fellowship award which is a global civilian honour given by the International Confederation of NGOs in association with the United Nations. Rushabh has authored four books - Knock, Knock, Are you listening? YOUR TURN NOW, Your Turn Now 2, and Second Look. All the royalty earned from the books is used 100% for charity.
Disclaimer:
The opinions expressed within this interview are the personal opinions of the protagonist/protagonists. The facts & statistics, the work profile details of the protagonist/ protagonists do not reflect the views of Baely or the Journalist. Neither Baely nor the Journalist hold any responsibility or liability for the same.
