Just as seasons change every few months, we experience changes in ourselves and the world around us from time to time. Change is the only constant. Whether it’s as individuals or as partners in a relationship. An irony of our lives but very much the truth. Some are hard to deal with while others may be more welcome.
So what happens to relationships as we ride the waves of change in our lives?
Both individuals and relationships are dynamic and will go through various transitions as time goes on. Whether it is career changes, moving into marriage or parenthood, changing preferences, living together, or personal growth, couples go through multiple changes and transition into different phases of life together. And although it's common for couples to experience changes, the impact of these changes on our relationships can sometimes be difficult to deal with.
One such example comes from Ms Akshita, 26 who shares how her relationship grew over the years. "I have been with my partner for 7 years - we've been through first jobs to building a home, from becoming adults and leaving our childhood comforts. While it brought us closer at some points, it almost broke us apart too."
What Akshita experienced here is the effect of time and individual growth on her relationship. Especially as young adults, we may struggle with finding our identities and transitioning from childhood to adulthood. In this process of integrating our individual changes into the relationship, we explore and build acceptance for new value systems, likes, dislikes, and needs of our partner.
Our individual growth can often feel like we are being pulled in different directions. But no one said it was easy to stand the test of time and growth. In such times, what could be the threads that hold you together? What is something that keeps you anchored to your partner?
In another instance, Jaypreet, 31 from Mumbai shares his experience of moving in with his partner. "We had been dating for 3 years before we moved in together, neither of us was expecting it to challenge us the way it did. The first few months were perhaps the most difficult part of our relationship. It took us a lot of patience, learning and accepting new things about each other, and a lot of work to push through that time," he says.
From Jaypreet’s experience, we see how challenges can come up when we decide to live with our partner. As much as it is an exciting opportunity, living together means a division of household tasks and responsibilities. And often this division can become demanding. Reaching a conclusion can be exhausting and often it can be tiring to share the workload. Apart from house chores, we might get to see new sides to our partners, parts of their personality and behaviour that we may not have known before. And once again, as much as it may be a thrilling idea it can also be difficult to come to terms with these new sides of our partners.
It is only natural for us to take time to adjust ourselves to this new space of living. And as time goes on, working with each other and being flexible in renegotiating roles and responsibilities can help the couple face these challenges.
Transitioning into adulthood isn't the only change a couple can go through. One of the biggest changes a relationship can see is moving from lovers to life partners. Meena, 32 from Kolkata shares how being married changed the roles and responsibilities she held and what it did for her relationship. "Marriage is hard as it is but I wasn't prepared for all the changes - being a wife, daughter-in-law, homeowner….so much changed all at once - in our relationship and for me, individually,” she says. “I couldn't have gotten through and come to a point where I enjoy all these new roles and changes without the understanding and support of my partner. I'm glad I didn't have to go through it alone."
Just as Meena was adjusting herself to married life, she experienced a whole other wave of new roles she had to take on. These newly added responsibilities can often be overwhelming and stressful, especially if you have to shoulder them all alone. Unprepared to face the challenges that come with this new life, one can feel burdened by these responsibilities. She acknowledges how vital her partner’s support was for her to take on these newfound duties. So although the road may have some obstacles, as long as you go through them with your partner you get to reap the benefits of a healthy relationship.
Time and again your relationship might face changes that show up as challenges. Now imagine that change as a hard level of a video game we need to cross to level up our relationship. Remember that this challenge is a multiplayer game so you've got to rely on each other to clear the level.
Change can make it look like we are standing against each other. As Akshita shared about her long-term relationship, she mentions how growing into their identities from teenagers to adults often made them feel like they were on opposite ends of a situation, and that almost broke their relationship. Nonetheless facing the challenge of change would mean ‘Being on the same team’. Even though she and her partner faced these challenges, supporting each other through the changes built resilience in the relationship and helped them to stay together.
In simple words, resilience is our ability to spring back. For Jaypreet, resilience looked like embracing the ups and downs of moving in with his partner and knowing that their bond is strong despite their differences in opinions. It could also be apologising, forgiving, and holding each other after a hard day. This was especially true for Meena who worked on her marriage with the resilience of both her and her husband as they navigated the changes of married life. Resilience places importance on acting from your commitment to each other and building up the relationship through overwhelm and distress.
Much as it is important to build resilience, we must also build empathy in our relationship. Recognize that both you and your partner may be going through adjustments and experiencing different emotions.
When Meena’s husband showed empathy towards her experiences and was understanding of the challenges she was facing as a wife and a daughter-in-law, it showed Meena he would be her support through these changes. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and trying to see things from their perspective can foster compassion and strengthen your bond with the changes you go through.
As always, effective communication is fundamental when you're going through changes in your relationship. It was the one common thing highlighted by all couples we've seen today.
Talking openly and listening empathically with their partner about their feelings, needs, and concerns regarding the changes they were going through at the time helped Akshita, Meena, and Jaypreet. So be willing to have difficult conversations, express your emotions, and work together to build paths that work for you both!
