In today's age of social media, it's no surprise that we're inundated with memes and posts about relationships. From "red flags " to "green flags," these posts use binaries to categorise certain behaviours as either positive or negative. While it can be fun to make statements like “this is a red flag”, these binaries can be seriously harmful to real-life relationships because they carry a heavy sense of categorisation (if this was a series of a complicated string of words, allow us to clarify what all this means, in detail).
Let’s think about an experience we’re all familiar with- a fight on a Saturday night. We all have those moments where we get exhausted, and short-tempered leading to fights. The key is to repair these ruptures, but it’s possible that we have our minds running along the lines of “God, is this a red flag I didn’t see coming?”
Well, let's start with red flags. These are warning signs that the person you're married to might not be a great match for you. These can be behaviours, actions, or even traits that are deal-breakers for you. Maybe they always cancel plans at the last minute, or they make you feel uncomfortable in social situations. Whatever the case, red flags are things you should take seriously and think about.
On the other hand, green flags are the good stuff. These are the things that make you excited about the person you're married to. Maybe they're a great listener, or they make you laugh, or they have a passion for the same things you do. Green flags are the things that make you feel happy and hopeful about the relationship.
But is it truly okay to make life-altering decisions based on a list of red and green flags? Let’s move beyond these binaries and understand why these red and green flags necessarily don’t capture the complexity of relationships.
Let’s look at a few examples, the assumptions we make, how we label them and how the reality can be different
Relationships are unique and multifaceted, and what works for one couple may not work for another. The pressure to conform to these binary expectations can lead couples to overlook their own needs and boundaries, which can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety.
It also helps to remember that these binary categories are often based on societal norms and values, which may not align with your own. For example, a "red flag" like not wanting children may be a deal-breaker for some couples, but not for others who have made the decision not to have kids. It's important to recognise that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships, and it's okay to have different values and preferences.
When we realise we want to look past red and green, we start to see yellows, greys, and purples. We can hold off on slapping labels and walking away. We can make efforts, to enrich and deepen important connections to us in our lives!
But let’s also be real, we are constantly influenced by the world around us including social media platforms like Instagram, Youtube, etc that make convincing statements that can make us doubt our stances.
The key is to approach these posts with a critical eye and recognise that they don't apply to every relationship. Instead of blindly accepting these binary categories, ask yourself, "What does this mean for us as a couple?", "Are these 'flags' applicable to my situation?", "What are my own non-negotiable boundaries?"
Additionally, we’re also a fan of lists (luckily for y’all). So here is a list of 7 quick points you can keep in mind when it comes to consuming content related to red and green flags. A caveat is that this list is a non-exhaustive supply of ideas so use them as starters to have conversations with your partner or potential partners!
Ultimately, the key to a healthy relationship is to tune out the noise and focus on what works for you and your partner. This means taking the time to communicate openly and honestly with each other and establishing non-negotiable boundaries. When you also prioritize your own needs and values, you'll be able to build a strong and fulfilling relationship that's unique to you. So, don't let social media dictate your relationship – you've got this!
