What are some words that come to your mind when you think of the terms ‘repair’ and ‘rupture’ in the context of romantic relationships?
When I think of these terms, an image of an old cloth comes up for me. A rupture is a hole that gets formed in that piece of cloth due to constant wear and tear, while the repair is that needle and thread that sews the cloth together.
Here, sewing the tear close does not mean that there will be no more holes in that cloth in the future. Since that cloth is still being used, and modified, there is almost a guarantee that more holes will be created. Some holes would be small, while there could be huge tears across the front side of the cloth as well.
However, with the needle and thread, we know that we can work to repair the ruptures that come our way as best as possible.
Relationships are very similar to this. They involve more than one individual, and it is highly likely that these individuals would have different values and expectations from each other. Every person brings their own attachment style to the relationship which could also lead to differences in opinions, and conflict.
In nutshell, ruptures are holes in a relationship where certain needs and expectations are unmet by one or all partners and there are feelings of hurt and pain.
Let us understand this better with the help of a popular Bollywood movie "Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna" (2006) starring Shah Rukh Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Rani Mukherji, and Preity Zinta.
One of the significant scenes in the movie depicts a rupture in a relationship that happens when the main character Rhea tells her husband about the possible promotion that she has been offered. The moment Dev hears it, he goes into a frenzy expecting that Rhea has chosen the promotion without consulting him. This is followed by an exchange of accusations and harsh words that widen the rupture, leading to the breaking of their marriage. Here are a few dialogues from the scene.
Here, as we assess this conversation, it starts off on a positive note where the wife is sharing a piece of news about her career progression. However, Dev who is already carrying hurt about the lack of emotional support from his wife’s side, as well as his personal failures feels that he is being neglected further. He jumps the gun and blames his wife for being selfish. This further leads to a reaction where Rhea responds to her hurt by anger and attacks his insecurity.
This rupture in the relationship got formed due to a lack of communication, criticism, verbal attack, and resentment. However, both partners are unable to repair the hole and end up separating at the end of the scene.
The fact is that even in the most loving and healthy relationships, conflicts arise and ruptures are bound to be created between the partners. It is only human.
However, these relationship ruptures can be repaired. It involves acknowledging the hurt or damage caused, taking responsibility for one's actions, and making efforts to repair the relationship and rebuild trust. It might not be the most pleasant process, however, healing rarely is.
But this process is also important because it leads to stronger relationships by improving communication, building trust, developing resilience, and promoting empathy between individuals.
Looking at the example from "Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna”, this is how the conversation could go after the fight for a healthy repair takes place.
After taking some time off to cool their temper, Dev and Rhea can sit together in a comfortable space where they communicate their needs and insecurities.
Dev: Rhea I am sorry for losing my temper the other night when you mentioned your promotion. It was not fair for you to hear those harsh words coming from me. I am sorry for not hearing you out and supporting your career growth.
Rhea: I am sorry for bringing up your insecurities around your professional successes, and calling you less of a man. I also apologize for not being there for you when you needed my emotional support.
The couple begins by acknowledging the conflict and accepting their shortcomings. This opens the door for repairing the pain and hurt that has been caused to both partners.
Dev: Rhea, what you said was correct. I am frustrated with my lack of success in life and the injury that I went through. This has affected my self-esteem and my ability as a husband and a man in the family. I am sorry for not being there for you.
Rhea: I understand that. I have also thrown myself into my work and have no time for my family.
Here, they are expressing their vulnerabilities and showing that they are willing to be honest in front of each other. This helps build trust in the effort of the other person.
Dev: I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. We will work it out together.
Rhea: Yes.
After working on soothing the wounds that the conflict caused, the next step could involve working on the problem together as a couple.
Dev: I want to hear how you feel and what I can do to make things right.
Rhea: I feel unappreciated and unsupported in my professional growth. I wish you would celebrate my successes with me. What about you?
Dev: I feel that you are spending too much time on your job and I would like it if you can spend the weekends with me.
This part of the repair brings out actionable steps that the couple can take to tackle the problem that led to the conflict in the first place. Both partners come out of this conflict feeling stronger in their relationship, and holding knowledge about the things that they can do to work through their concerns as a unit.
At the base of this conversation, the process of repair involves the following steps: acknowledging the conflict, apologizing and accepting their mistakes, communicating honestly about their needs, and offering their partner concrete steps that they can do to come closer to them.
While you do not necessarily need to follow the exact routine to repair your ruptures, you can keep these basic terms in your mind, which are communication, and honesty as the key to a healthy relationship.
Coming to the conclusion, It's important to remember that ruptures are a normal part of any relationship, and there's no need to panic or feel discouraged when they occur. In fact, seeing them as an opportunity for growth and repair can be a motivating factor in the relationship.
If one partner refuses to repair, the relationship is likely to fail apart. Thus, it helps if the rupture is treated as an opportunity to deepen understanding and communication within the relationship. Both partners need to be willing to engage in open and honest dialogue, acknowledge their own part in the rupture, and actively work towards repairing the damage.
By committing to the process of repairing ruptures, we can not only strengthen our relationship but also develop skills that can be applied to other areas of our lives. Remember that repairing ruptures is not a one-time event, but an ongoing process that requires effort and communication from both partners.
It's a chance to learn and grow together and to build a relationship that is resilient and fulfilling over time.
Disclaimer:
The opinions expressed are the personal opinions of the protagonist. The facts & statistics, the work profile details of the protagonist do not reflect the views of Baely. Baely does hold any responsibility or liability for the same.
