Do you crave closeness in your relationship? Do you seek constant reassurance in your relationship about being loved? Amongst other reasons, the nature of your attachment with your first caregiver, and how well it’s fostered and cared for, often influences the nature of your attachment to your romantic partners later in life.
What does attachment style mean and how is it formed?
Attachment, as the name suggests, is the emotional bond that you form with your first caregiver - probably your mother. Attachment style includes the way we tend to respond emotionally to others, how we usually interact with partners in relationships, and how we behave when it comes to relationships in general, according to therapist Alyssa "Lia" Mancao, LCSW. According to the Attachment Theory first developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the child’s first relationship is a love relationship with their first caregiver, which will have long-lasting effects on an individual’s development. Mothers (Caregivers) who are available and responsive to their infants' needs establish a sense of security in their children. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world. Hence, attachment lays the foundation for a person to be able to form other secure relationships.
Studies have also confirmed that 30 percent of people undergo changes in their attachment style over time. For example, persistent bullying, and tough breakups can change a person with a secure attachment style to an insecure, anxious, and avoidant type. On the other hand, loyal friendships, and improved communication with parents can change a person with an anxious attachment style to a secure one.
Deepak always felt anxious, clingy, and worried about being abandoned. When the therapist helped him reflect back on his childhood, he recollected many instances where his mother had often fought with his father and left home without a word of care or support to the children. Deepak has an Anxious Attachment Style.
What are the different attachment styles?
There are four different types of attachment styles. Knowing your unique attachment style can help you become more self-aware and build healthier long-term partnerships.
1. Secure Attachment
If your caregivers were quick to respond to your emotional needs and had provided you with a safe haven to fall back on then you likely developed a Secure Attachment style. People with a Secure Attachment Style open up easily, are empathetic, set and respect boundaries. They are likely to trust their partner, have intimate and long-term relationships, have high self-esteem, seek social support, and have the ability to share their feelings with other people. About 56% of adults have a secure attachment type, according to research by social psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver in the 1980s.
2. Anxious Attachment Style
People with an Anxious Attachment Style received love and care with unpredictable sufficiency as an infant. It is possible that individuals with this attachment style have not been able to develop sufficient defenses against separation anxiety, hence they feel insecure in their relationships. Such individuals seek constant reassurance that they are loved. They experience intense emotions like Rejection, Abandonment, or Anger if their partner does not meet their expectations. About 19% of adults have the anxious attachment type, according to Hazan and Shaver's research.
3. Avoidant Attachment Style
Individuals whose caregivers have been neglectful, or emotionally unavailable to them are likely to have developed an Avoidant Attachment Style. Adults with this attachment style are extremely independent, self-directed, and uncomfortable with intimacy. Avoidants tend to control the relationship - romantic and friendships as they are always willing to leave. About 25% of adults have the avoidant attachment type, according to Hazan and Shaver.
4. Dismissive - Avoidant Attachment Style
A caregiver’s consistent failure to respond appropriately to their child’s distress or a caregiver’s inconsistent response to their child’s feelings of fear or distress leads to Dismissive - Avoidant Attachment Style. Adults with this type of style have a strong desire for intimate connections but also put up walls to protect themselves from getting hurt. Individuals with this style fear intimacy, avoid proximity, have trouble believing that their partner will love and support them, expect to be rejected and disappointed, and suffer from inner conflicts.
How can I find out what my attachment style is?
Think about your primary caregiver and answer these questions for yourself:
The answers to your questions and the description of the Attachment Styles can help you to understand if your attachment style is Secure or Insecure (Anxious, Avoidant, Dismissive - Avoidant). Further to this, there are multiple free and paid tests available online. It is important, however, to keep in mind that not every test you find online is adequate and will give you your real result. Besides, self-report attachment style tests are not as accurate as interviews conducted by trained professionals.
Why is it important for my relationship that I understand and work on my attachment style?
Having an understanding of our attachment style can help us know our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. How we react to our needs and how we go about getting them is influenced by our attachment styles. For example, a person with an avoidant attachment style has the tendency to be distant because their model of functioning is that the way to get your needs met is to act like you don’t have any. While a person with an avoidant attachment style feels that in order to get close to someone and have your needs met, you need to be with your partner all the time and get reassurance.
Do relationships only work for people who have a secure attachment style?
While having a secure attachment style is ideal but as mentioned earlier, Attachment styles are not the only aspect contributing to a successful relationship. With understanding and support, it is possible for people with insecure (anxious, avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant) attachment styles to open up and create greater emotional intimacy.
Can attachment styles be changed?
Have you been able to figure out your attachment style? Whatever your attachment style is, the good news is that it can change with focused self-development efforts. If you are suffering from an insecure attachment style please remember that it's ok, as long as you are aware and are working towards getting better. You can follow these steps to take charge and change yourself and get better in your relationships:
Should I talk to my partner about my attachment style? If yes, how should I go about it?
From the time you have made up your mind to be with your partner, you must talk about your attachment style to them. It is nothing to be ashamed of and will help you and your partner dive into the next phase of your relationship. Simple steps that can be followed are:
How can I help my partner move to a secure attachment style? Is the approach different for various attachment styles?
There are different ways in which you can help your partner move to a more secure attachment style and they are different for different attachment styles. For example, to help your partner who has an anxious attachment style you need to be more patient, and consistent in giving your support to them in their growth, try focusing on their positive qualities and express gratitude. Similarly, to help your partner who has an avoidant attachment style you should respect your differences, give your partner their space, set healthy boundaries, and cultivate healthy independence. Please remember, loving someone means helping them get better, however it does not mean accepting toxic behaviour. Hence it is important to set boundaries in your relationships.
For those who are trying to help their partner, the glass is either half full or half empty. It is up to you to recognise the good in your partner. Individuals who are trying to change their attachment styles, avoid being judgmental of yourself. As you are working towards bringing out the best in you, remember to love yourself for who you are at the moment. The best is bound to happen.
