Rahul and I are seeing each other for 5 years now. Initially, everything was rosy and new, but as time passed, I started worrying about his emotions towards me. This anxiety started showing in my behavior and we started getting into altercations about small things. Rahul too seemed overly frustrated and edgy. I was not able to pinpoint what it was though. Rahul supported and encouraged me all the way, then what was it that was worrying me so much?
It was basically how he was doing things that bothered me. Not that he was not doing them, but how he was doing them! If he would buy me flowers, then I would think that “could he not get me lilies instead of roses?” If he would book a dinner reservation, then I would think “why did he not book a romantic place?” Things like these. I was constantly unhappy about how he was doing things.
I thought “If only he would do this, or if he would say this, then I would feel better”. Then I realized I had fallen into a trap! After much pondering, I anonymously wrote on a relationship advice Facebook group. From the replies I got, I figured and learnt a very valuable lesson. A lesson that has helped me grow as an individual.
I was completely relying on Rahul to fulfil my emotional needs. My smallest and biggest joy depended on Rahul and his actions. Hence, I was putting too much emotional pressure on him and myself. It is completely acceptable to look for love and support from your partner. However, to make them completely in charge of your happiness is neither fair nor healthy. We cannot look at our partner to completely “fix” things and situations for us.
The truth of the matter is that I was carrying emotional baggage from my childhood. My mother had passed when I and my sister were still very young and my father decided to remarry, primarily so that our step mom may give us the emotional support we needed. But, the truth was that she never did and we both were emotionally deprived in our childhood. Hence, I started looking at Rahul to fulfil that emotional void for me. I figured that I had to get my Sh*t together and once I did, it made a huge difference in our relationship.
I learnt that it’s an adult thing to be in charge of your own emotions and to identify ways to fulfil your emotional needs. Basically, it's ok to bring yourself roses!
