By now we have explored different love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, which you can read here. Love languages are ways that we give and receive love in our relationships. The main five love languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts and quality time.
Going through the sea of information on love languages we might have identified what love language we speak. Although it helps us learn our language, what do we do with this knowledge? What's the next step for a couple who knows their love language?
One challenge we may not be prepared for when we start to look for our love language is that not everyone speaks the same language when it comes to love. So it's possible that you and your partner also discovered differences in your preferred love languages. It is only natural for us to have these differences.
In fact, Dr Gary Chapman who gave us the concept of love languages said, “You may give and receive love in different ways, and in ways that are different from your partner’s. In a marriage, almost never do a husband and wife have the same language.”
Well, psychology has some answers for us. How we express and receive love is based on our past, our present, and our personalities. So the way we would first experience love, our behaviour traits and our current relationship influences the ways we show our love.
As a therapist, I have often seen couples worry about their differences. Of course, it is a cause of concern when small differences end up becoming bigger conflicts. But let's remember love holds multitudes and these differences can be overcome. In reality, everyone possesses a combination of all the love languages, so someone preferring a different love language than you doesn’t need to be a deal-breaker.
In fact, speaking with couples I have come to understand how important it can be to explore love languages beyond the five!
Anmol shares how when he first came across the concept he didn't particularly resonate with a single love language. “I kept wondering….. like all my friends kept fitting into these five categories but I just couldn't find myself fitting anywhere”, he says. He then adds, “Afterwards when I got together with my partner I realised there are more ways to express love. Humour was the love language I was looking for. The laughter, and playful banter that my partner and I would engage in would be the way we expressed our love. They are so funny, I feel like that was instantly what clicked for both of us. It's a big part of who we are as a couple.”
Hearing Anmol share how humour was the love language that resonated with him made me curious to look for other alternate love languages that we might speak but never really consider to be a love language. Well, research has suggested alternate love languages including empathy, laughter, intellectual stimulation, gratitude, and shared activities among others.
Do you think you resonate with one of these alternate love languages? In what ways do you think you and your partner can incorporate new ways to express love?
In the end, no matter what different ways you and your partner express love, what’s more important is the learning and experimentation you do together to fulfill each other's needs & your own!
Arti, 32 speaks about how she and her partner beat their differences, “He would always want to cuddle after we came home from work and that would continue for hours whereas I am someone who would much rather do something with their partner after the day is over.” She adds, “After a while, we decided to talk about these differences. We felt frustrated and ultimately realised that we both needed to be loved in different ways. I told him I need quality time in our relationship. So to feel loved, I would love that when we are together we do an activity or simply share about our days. Then he also shared what he needed. So on some days, we would cuddle and on other days we would cook together or binge on our favourite shows.”
Lakshay, 35 Arti’s partner adds, “Her face just lightens up when I get her something from my errands run. I realised that the thought behind this gesture makes her feel loved, even if it is just getting her coffee order.” He adds, “While we had that talk, I told her physical touch means a lot to me as it makes me feel close to you. Of course, I like cuddles but if we could also just hug after we come back home it would mean a lot. Later we also realised that words of affirmation was a love language we both appreciated. It's funny but we have always written such cheesy texts to each other and never shy away from complimenting each other.
So just because I prefer touch and she prefers quality time it didn't mean we couldn't love each other in other ways.”
For starters, we once again find ourselves valuing communication in a relationship. Sharing their primary love language and explaining what it means to them helped both Arti and Lakshay to see how they can best express the love that resonates with their partner. Not to forget that this communication is a two-way street. So let's be curious and encourage our partners to share their needs. That way we can have a clear understanding of each other's love languages. And remember that this isn't a one-time-only conversation. Needs and preferences can evolve over time, so it's good to have ongoing conversations and adjust as necessary.
We are often thinking about love languages to see how compatible we might be with our partners but let's not forget perfect compatibility is not something one can achieve.
Think of these differences in love languages as an opportunity to add new ways to experience love!
Maybe Arti didn't appreciate gift-giving before but as their relationship progressed she saw value in her partner’s gesture.
And after we have learned to understand our differences, we can also try and find common ground. Both Arti and Lakshay realised that words of affirmation can help create a sense of connection and fulfilment for both of them. So they continued to include this love language into their everyday. Although we may not always find common ground, we might still be open to experimenting and trying new ways of expressing love to meet each other's needs.
Now that we understand the differences much better, let us remember that speaking our love languages is a journey that requires effort, patience, and understanding. So utilize this knowledge, and get started to express love to your partner in all the different ways you can.
