This week Counselling Psychologist, Malvika Dadoo Agarwal shares her views on what couples can do to rebuild trust in a relationship. Malvika is an experienced Gottman Level 3 certified Relationship Counselling Psychologist skilled at interacting with and assisting at-risk clients through individual, and family counselling on issues like anxiety, depression, anger management, relationship difficulties, and marital discord.
We all understand that trust is an essential component of our relationships. It takes time to build trust in someone and once breached, one may find it hard to rebuild it. For some of you, the circumstance that could make you lose trust in your partner would be infidelity. However, it is not only the ‘big’ things that can break a person’s trust. Breaking promises, not being there for your partner in time of need, lying or manipulating, and a pattern of not sharing feelings openly, are some of the other possibilities that can break trust in a relationship.
Each of us has our personal thoughts and it is all right to keep them to ourselves. Trust does not mean that we share every thought that comes to our mind with our partner. It also does not mean giving access to each other’s bank accounts, social media accounts, phones, and laptops. You would not mind sharing this information, especially in case of an emergency. The presence of trust in your relationship means that you don’t have to check up on your partner. Your faith in your partner allows you to talk out your concerns with each other openly.
The question now arises “Can a relationship work out if one partner has broken the other’s trust?”
Building trust is a two-way process. When both partners are willing and ready to put in the effort to rebuild the trust in the relationship, then the likelihood of rebuilding it is maximum.
How can you rebuild your trust when you have been betrayed? Undoubtedly, you have been hurt and may be going through an upheaval of emotions, but once you have decided to work on the relationship to build it back you can follow the following steps.
- Understand your emotions - How do you feel about the situation? How deeply hurt are you? Why did the betrayal hurt you? What are you seeking from the relationship going forward? What do you need from your partner to rebuild the trust? As a person, it is important to feel our feelings, ponder over them, understand them and see how you want to work towards making it better.
- Communication - This may be uncomfortable and hard but it is the most crucial step towards rebuilding trust in the relationship. One needs to express their thoughts, feelings, and how one would like the relationship to be going forward. While you communicate yourself to your partner, allow them to talk and express themselves too. Are they truly regretful and apologetic or are they defensive and unwilling to own up to the betrayal? Knowing every detail of why your partner betrayed you does not help in the healing process. Trust me, even if they gave you all the details, - sometimes it’s not enough.
- Practice Forgiveness - If you have decided on making the relationship work, it is important for you to forgive your partner. This may not be easy and you will have your bouts of emotions but the healing cannot happen without forgiving. Forgiving will not happen in a fortnight, it will take its time but you need to work towards it.
- Stop Blaming Yourself - Remember “It’s not always about you”. Most of the time it is to do with your partner - his upbringing, attachment style, past traumas, personality type, and many other reasons.
- Avoid Dwelling in the Past - Don’t let your past affect your present. Oftentimes you may want to check on your partner’s whereabouts to make sure they are not lying to you again. But when you decided to give the relationship another chance, you also decided to trust your partner again. It’s totally understandable that you cannot trust them right away, but you are implying that you will give trust a chance to regrow. How can you rebuild trust when you have hurt someone? You have caused your partner hurt no matter what your reason was. The broken trust may be beyond repair.
But if you both have decided to work towards the relationship and you feel that you might have hurt your partner, then these are a few steps you can follow. Also, don’t let your ego/pride decide whether you act or not, rather remember that you love your partner and both of you want to rebuild trust in the relationship
- Understand yourself - What was it that caused you to betray your partner? Did you want to end the relationship but did not know how to end it? Were there specific needs that were not being satisfied by your partner? Was it a mistake? You may want to say, “it just happened”, but that is not how it works when you have decided to rebuild the trust in the relationship.
- Accept your Mistake and take Ownership - A sincere apology to your partner is a good gesture to start the mending process. While you confess, your partner may have many questions for you to answer. Patiently answer them to their heart’s content and let their needs guide you in the journey of recovery. Empathize with their feelings and collectively take charge of working towards the relationship.
- Open and Clear Communication - You must secure your partner from their insecurities. For example, if you think your partner might be concerned about where you are, while on your way home from work you can call your partner and let them know of your whereabouts. Both of you need to reach a mutual understanding of what clear and open communication looks like.
- Accepting that the process will take time - You may be eager to get your relationship back to normal but you must understand and accept that rebuilding trust is a lengthy process. Don’t rush things and be patient. Allow your partner the time to heal.
In the final phase, Gottman advises that in order to move past this trauma, a steady diet of intimate conversations helps. Here you talk about your partner’s feelings, attitudes, and preferences in bed.
It takes a lot to rebuild trust in the relationship, but it is possible. Also, while there is a taboo around speaking with a marriage counsellor, you should do what’s best for your relationship and if that means speaking with a counsellor to help towards reconciling trust in the relationship, then why not? What do you have to lose anyways? Ultimately it’s your relationship that matters. Once you have decided that you both are willing to work out the relationship, be prepared that things will take time. By the end of it all, you will see that you both will come out stronger than before.
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