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‘SACRIFICE’ — Does the term ring a bell? Have you seen someone sacrifice? Have you ever observed how the sacrifice has changed their life? Has it made their life better or worse? As you all know, sacrifice is a virtue that has been extolled for centuries. Many mythologies and cultures extending far beyond India depict sacrifice in a good light.
I recently watched a Chinese fantasy show, ‘Ashes of Love,’ on Netflix, where the female lead actor sacrificed her eyesight for the sake of love. Within India, sacrifice has been appreciated for generations and is often considered a hallmark of a ‘good upbringing.’ I recall watching the popular Amazon series, ‘Bandish Bandits,’ depicting a gifted lady singer who was blatantly asked to ‘not sing’ post-marriage.
For millennia, there seems to be a misplaced notion that — ‘sacrifice is good’ or ‘you can sacrifice for your family.’ It is not uncommon to come across people who readily want to sacrifice for love. You can clearly see that they are willing to — ‘forgo everything’ for the well-being of their partner and family. Giving up on a lucrative career, shifting to a new place (without hopes of a job), living in the hinterlands, devoting your life to caring for a sick family member, or drastically changing your lifestyle are oft-seen examples of sacrifice. These sacrifices are generally made with a subconscious expectation of receiving — ‘infinite and unending Love.’ However, the choice to sacrifice is never easy.
A sacrifice requires you to let go of something close to your heart, to forget a significant part of your life — that you may not wish to give up on. It may strip you of your desires, identity, and what you want to accomplish in this world.
Fortunately, every couple has the power to act consciously and create a happier, long-lasting relationship. In a healthy relationship, you share equitable responsibility with your partner and assign importance to both of your needs. You don’t require only one partner to do the heavy lifting.
Even when you are faced with a choice where a sacrifice is unavoidable — you can make the sacrifice more palatable and viable for both of you.
Imagine a scenario where you live in a strictly vegetarian family and your non-veg-food-loving partner is required to give up on non-vegetarian at home. In this situation — what action can you take to make the change easier? What action can you take to make your partner feel better? Perhaps, you could create occasions for your partner to enjoy non-veg food. How about planning a weekly date for a special non-vegetarian meal? Similarly, what action could your partner take to feel better? Maybe, he/she could plan frequent outings with friends and extended family to relish non-veg dishes. There is so much you both could do.
But, let me ask you — Have you had to make a difficult choice or a sacrifice in your relationship? What have you done in that situation? What decision have you taken? Have you considered your individual needs while deciding? Has your final decision made you happy? When couples are faced with complex, conflicting choices, my advice is simple. Before taking any long-lasting decision, weigh its impact on your individual desires and goals in addition to family goals. Understand your buried thoughts and wishes and gain clarity on — ‘what you want.’ With clarity of thought, you can express yourself better and make satisfying as well as gratifying choices in the long term.
Asking the following questions helps you build inner clarity while factoring in your myriad contradictory feelings and emotions:
Understanding your motivation and desires will make it easier for you to take a stance, to have a frank conversation with your spouse, and arrive at a mutually workable solution.
For example, a young lady in her mid-thirties decided to quit her job after childbirth. Her job required long hours and she felt uncomfortable leaving her baby under a nanny’s care for the whole day. She wanted to be personally present to love and care for her baby. At the same time, she had always been financially independent and wanted to continue earning. She, along with her husband, devised a plan whereby she launched her own brand of high-end clothing and chemical free cosmetics. Her husband, an experienced businessman, supported her in setting up the supply chain & retail outlets for her new venture. He helped her transition from a salaried worker to an independent mompreneur in a much smoother way. Now, a few years down the line — the lady, a successful businesswoman proudly proclaims that she is a CEO in addition to being a mother, wife, and in charge of her household.
Each one of you can always create a meaningful, beautiful, passionate, alive, and thriving relationship that you want without giving up on your hopes, dreams, and desires. All you need is a commitment — a commitment to understand and support each other’s aspirations. Then perhaps, you can replace the feeling of ‘I have sacrificed’ with a gratifying sense of ‘I have happily chosen this path’ and ‘I am co-creating my best life with my partner.’
