I recently met a male friend of mine who seemed distressed about his relationship. Though he and his wife loved each other, disagreements would quickly spiral into shouting matches. Later on they would kiss and make up. But in a short while it was back to square one.
“I feel I am constantly walking around on eggshells. How can we build a safe space in the relationship?” he said.
I was surprised that he used the term safe space. When I quizzed him about it, he said this term was used a lot at his workplace, with a focus on improving work relationships and culture. This revelation pretty much resonates with trends in the corporate world, where a safe space is a means of building diversity and inclusion in companies.
But what does a safe space look like in an intimate relationship?
What are some casual behaviours that quickly erode it?
And some that nurture it?
More importantly, do the efforts to build emotional safety in relationships translate to positive long-term impact?
To find answers, I reached out to Manisha Singh, a seasoned coach who works extensively in the space of helping individuals explore mindsets and beliefs. Manisha is a Certified Narrative Coach from the Moment Institute, USA, with extensive coaching experience. She is also the author of the book “The Tenth Story”, which explores the journey of self-discovery of individuals who have successfully navigated challenging life situations.
In this conversation, Manisha breaks down safe spaces and how they can be nurtured in intimate relationships…
Manisha: I would define a safe space as a non-judgmental environment where a person is completely at ease being who they are, expressing what they truly think and feel, without any inhibitions.
While in a safe space, a person feels completely seen and heard, without feeling the need to justify. Here you feel your deepest thoughts, feelings, and experiences will be honoured. It is a way of “being”, such that one can express oneself fully.
I got interested in exploring this subject ever since I started my journey as a coach. This is because the effectiveness of coaching lies in creating a safe space for coachees. With each conversation, I understood the importance of creating a conversational environment where a person feels comfortable being who they are.
This sense of freedom to fully be oneself, allows for a thorough understanding of what one truly wants from the conversation. It allows for the conversation to deepen, and for insights to emerge.
I’d like to begin this answer with a little bit of context.
Certain behaviours have been normalised by saying things like “in close relationships, one can’t keep thinking and editing each sentence before speaking”.
I understand the spirit in which this is said, and that at some level, it also means that there should be a safe space in close relationships such that one can be fully oneself during a conversation.
But taking it literally and not taking ownership of making the other person feel respected, have led to normalising disrespectful behaviours.
These behaviours include:
All these behaviours erode the emotional safety in relationships.
In my opinion, there are two key behaviours that lead to emotional safety.
These are behaviours that come from a place of respect that contribute to creating a safe space.
The most powerful technique that I know of is setting an intention.
Set an intention to be present, to listen, and to be an observer of emotions (of your own emotions and that of the person you are conversing with).
Our minds have an amazing ability to step back and witness events as they are happening. When we stay connected with that part of our mind, we can heighten our awareness and stay true to our intention of creating a space in a relationship.
It also helps to get curious about what you and your partner are looking for in the relationship. It may be acknowledgement, for some, it may be support while for others it may be just walking alongside and being a cheerleader.
Needs may also keep changing and evolving with time. Staying committed to making an effort to find out what those needs are in the relationship, can help.
Building a safe space in a relationship leads to the growth of the individuals involved. Being in a relationship that feels safe takes away the need to stay hypervigilant, leaving mental and emotional bandwidth for things one loves.
There is room in the relationship for partners to pursue what they truly believe in. The relationship is supportive and hence the individuals feel confident to take on risks and challenges in areas like their career.
Having a secure base in the form of a loving relationship reflects in secure relationships with friends and colleagues, too.
Overall, feeling safe in intimate partnerships leads to a sense of comfort and confidence that has a ripple effect in all other key areas of life leading to a fulfilling, wholesome life experience.
Safe spaces are built on the foundation of acceptance, open-mindedness, and respect.
Creating a conducive environment to discuss disagreements, and being open to listening to each other’s views is also an important aspect of building safe spaces.
The more intimate a relationship, the more overwhelming it can get to handle the complexity that comes with sharing a physical, emotional and even spiritual space.
Challenges and obstacles are bound to show up in the shared journey. Creating a safe space in a relationship takes consistent effort and conscious communication from both sides.
For instance, it is very important that when one partner expresses that their feelings have been hurt, the other respects the feedback and considers it as an opportunity to work on their behaviour.
However, in my opinion, if one partner’s behaviour consistently shows a lack of empathy and respect towards the other and they refuse to change - even after knowing fully well that a particular behaviour is hurtful - then the relationship cannot be made safe without external intervention.
In such cases, it is important to reach out for professional help, at the earliest.
From my conversation with Manisha, I’ve come to understand that change in any relationship dynamic starts with a deeper observation and examination of oneself. Our own feelings, and reactions can tell us a lot about ourselves and our partner. Greater self-awareness can bring some answers, and lead the way.
