Richa is tired of her husband, Aman. She sees couples around her going out on the most romantic dates on the weekend. Aman, on the other hand, does not have time. He has just gotten a new job and has EMIs to pay. Richa can not help but feel terrible about that.
What do you think about this situation? Is there anyone to blame here?
An average human being spends around 2-3 hours on social media daily.
This is a very common picture in most households. Once we are done with our work, we whip out our mobile phones, log into a social media app, and spend the rest of the night scrolling on the screen. After a long, hectic work, something that gives an easy source of entertainment is usually what we are looking for.
Social media, however, does not just entertain us. It also influences our perception of how things are supposed to be.
For instance, Richa’s idea of what a successful relationship looks like is being impacted by what she sees on social media. Based on the Instagram reels, and snaps on Snapchat she is basing her notion of what a romantic relationship is supposed to be like.
It's telling her that her marriage is not good enough because it does not meet certain criteria such as fancy dates and expensive rings. It is only showing her one part of the relationship of other couples, something that is highly curated by them. This incomplete picture however often leads to comparison and dissatisfaction in personal relationships.
It is a very common human tendency to compare our experience with others. And we do it to assess our relationship However, comparison can also be a thief of joy. Constantly comparing your partner to others can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment, thus affecting the quality of the connection and can take away the focus from what’s working with the partner.
Let us take an example from a very popular web series “Little Things” which shows a modern couple in an urban city. In the series, Kavya and Dhruv are in a romantic, live-in relationship in Mumbai.
In season 1, episode 1, Kavya starts comparing her relationship and lifestyle with other people on social media. She wakes up in the morning and sees her friends going on amazing trips and exciting dates on the weekend. This leads to her drawing a comparison between her relationship and the curated posts she is seeing on Instagram and feeling a sense of not being good enough.
She starts experiencing mild dissatisfaction with the current status of the relationship and decides to plan a day with her partner to have a Instagram-worthy Sunday date. Instead of focusing on what would work best for them as a couple, she decides to do something that she saw other people doing on her social media app.
Kavya decides to go to a fancy salon and get an expensive hair treatment. Her boyfriend, Dhruv is very excited to watch a football match but accompanies her to create a perfect date. While watching the match on his phone, he gets excited and starts cursing out loud. This results in him being thrown out and the date is cut short.
Here, Kavya was influenced by other people’s social media posts and stories. She planned a date based on what she saw on Instagram stories, instead of focusing on activities that she would enjoy with her partner. She also hoped to get validation from other people by posting about these same activities on her profile.
This results in several arguments throughout the date and they are exhausted by the end of the day.
Looking at this example, Kavya planned a date that was based on Instagram media posts, instead of her and her partner’s needs. She could have turned towards her partner about her insecurities and worked through a plan to assure herself, however, she turned outwards and used social media posts to guide her in resolving her insecurities. This idea did not end up working successfully.
You see, nobody would like to show the world that they are fighting with their partners. Instead, they would post only the happy moments that they spend in their relationship.
It's important to understand that sometimes couples portray a curated, idealized version of their relationship on social media. People carefully curate their profiles, choosing the best photos and moments to share, and often omitting the less glamorous aspects of their lives.
Even in the web series, Kavya posts all the moments on her Snapchat with funny captions, even though their real experiences were far away from what she was showing on her social media account.
Regarding the salon scene, she puts up a few funny snaps where she is having fun with Dhruv when the reality was that he was thrown out of the salon for cursing out loud.
When we compare our real-life relationships to the idealized versions we see on social media, it creates feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. We might feel like we are not living up to the perfect standard we see online, or that our relationship is somehow deficient because we're not constantly posting about our love for each other.
This comparison can lead to feelings of insecurity, mistrust, and resentment, and can damage even the strongest of relationships. It is only human to experience this.
By the end of the episode, Kavya and Dhruv are tired of running after a perfect date.
Kavya decides to give up on the idea and open up to her partner about her feelings. Dhruv reassures her that they are good the way they are and that they should not put so much pressure to have “the best date”. He points out some of the fun things they did that day, such as cooking an amazing breakfast and being thrown out of the salon. Even though it did not match the ideal version, it was something they would laugh about for the next 2 months.
This helps lighten Kavya and she chucks the idea of cooking an elaborate meal together for her Snapchat. Instead, they spend the rest of the night eating pizza and watching their favorite movie together. They end up choosing an activity they would enjoy, instead of what social media tells them to do.
What can we learn from this?
As a partner, self-realization about the harmful impact of social media is an incredibly important start. Every relationship is unique, and it's essential that you celebrate the things that make your relationship different. Instead of trying to conform to the ideas that you see online, embrace your differences and celebrate the things that make your relationship unique.
Another key learning is open communication with your partner. Talk to your partner about your insecurities, and comparisons. Let them know that you are feeling this way, and would like to work together as a couple to work through this. You do not need to carry all of this burden by yourself.
What we can hold onto is staying true to ourselves and our relationships and embracing the uniqueness of our partnerships, we can cultivate fulfilling and satisfying relationships that go beyond the screen.
Here are a few templates that you can use to communicate:
